It Hurts Like Hell, But I Don’t Want You Back

I still catch myself thinking of you.

It happens to me that when I am alone, I drift away somewhere with you.

Although there is no ‘us’ anymore, I patch us back together in my mind. I allow myself to fantasize about some things that never happened and that will never happen. I allow myself that just sometimes.

I drift away when being surrounded by the most loved people in my life to meet you as well. I guess that’s just how much I miss you.

They say that trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met. So, I’m not trying to forget you. I allowed you to be a little more in my head.

Although I wonder how would it be to live this life without your presence. How good would it be to live without this pain that your absence causes me?

I still haven’t found a way to let you go and it’s been for a while. No self-help books, no human can help me in my process of letting you go. And even though it takes me a hell of a time, I’ll go through it alone.

I’m taking as much time as I need because I still feel your presence in me.

I just can’t cast you out of my system and I’m going to deal with that because I was the one to let you in in the first place. I was the one to give you the power to emotionally destroy me and now I have to learn to live with it.

I understand now that even the greatest love can become toxic for us. It can be that the person who should love you the most becomes the person that’s poisoning you the most.

It can turn out that there is no more love left and people start hurting each other.

I get that our love wasn’t meant to last. It was meant to teach us a lesson. I still don’t know what’s the final message, but I know that after the toxic love, I had decided to say ‘no’ to anyone who comes knocking at my door to ask for it.

I am too busy with learning the most important love in life that you made me forget—self-love.

Even though it hurts like hell, even though I miss you, I don’t want you back.

I don’t want to play our story on repeat. I’ve seen more than enough. The idea of us that I had in my mind is fading away and I am slowly realizing that my fantasies will remain just that—my fantasies. And that’s fine.

I’m sure time will show that leaving you was the best decision I made.

You were like this book beautifully wrapped but totally rotten inside. I’ve seen all there was to be seen. I’ve read every line, every paragraph and each and every chapter of your personality and I know better than to ever wish to open and re-read that book ever again. 

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